On Deck: Ponytail Ice Cream Spiritual

The Baltimore scene has received some much overdue attention over the last few years.

Lily Allen linking up with Aaron LaCrate and posting up in The B.

Rye-Rye is laying it down, doing tracks with M.I.A.

Club Queen K-Swift (RIP) brought B-More to the forefront, as well.

Ponytail sounds nothing like any of these people. Their record, Ice Cream Spiritual is just left of stoner rock with super-fun guitars and wispy song structures.

The loose writing fits nicely with the Maryland traditions established, of late with fellow Baltimorons Avey Tare, Panda Bear and the Paw Tracks posse

Molly Siegel’s vocals are squeaky and cooey, but throaty screams make cameos.

This record is straight B-More backyard boogie redefined. By the 5th song when my speakers proclaimed, “OH NO, I’M LATE FOR SCHOOL!!” I had become a Ponytail fanatic…Pull My Fucking Hair

We Are Free!!!

High Places/Abe Vigoda 10/10/08, The Smell

As I walked up the alley leading to The Smell I noticed what looked like an in-between-set alley crowd of a smallish variety; strange given the year of popularity New York’s, High Places has enjoyed.

I soon found out that was because Ponytail was mid-shred and the fucking place was packed; SOLD OUT sign on the door. “High Places is playing for free at Family Bookstore, tomorrow” Jim was assuring turned away show-goers.

“FUUCCKK, I shouldn’t have stopped for that burrito”, I thought.

We stood around in the alley contemplating for a moment when a drunk-ass Blaque Chris, in his constant effort to con me into making him an Afrika print spandex bodysuit, gets us some looks in the door.

Inside, we were bummed that we only caught the last two songs by Ponytail but Abe was next and they were fucking loud; like super-loud for The Smell.

This was their last hometown show before heading on tour with Diplo and Telepathe and you could tell that they are fucking fluffed. Such a good set bringing new intensity to old songs and executing new ones flawlessly. They really are LA’s finest.

As Abe exited, my ears were noticeably fucked but High Places were already setting up a fence of flight cases along western border of the main stage. I posted and watched Mary and Robert, the boy/girl duo that comprise H.P. fine tune many knobs, pedals and drum pads necessary to what they do.

Soon the crowd flooded back in and I couldn’t help notice how fucking young this band’s fans are, like Menudo young!

So, High Places tweaked and twittled, the music constantly chasing Mary’s vocals like a kindergartener chases a kitten in the sunroom; almost catching up, only to have the thing once again spring away. It’s child-like only in it’s refusal to wear a cloak of contrived seriousness that none of us were looking for that night in the alley.

Consumer RepWhore:TLC 1-Use Vibrating Cockring

So, I talk a lot of shit to girls. Stupid shit like, “I’m fittn’ to tear that ass up” or “I’m going to turn you inside out like a gym sock.”

Over the course of my life there has been quite varied reviews as to whether or not I can actually delivery on these promises/threats/vulgarities.

My prowess is not in question here BUT! You can imagine the type of shit I was talking when I was equipped with this fucking clit-tickling electric cockring.

I was like, “all right bitch, are you ready to get your face melted?” all fucking spreading the plastic tarp out on my bed, and shit.


This product from Topco sales in Van Nuys, CA (big surprise, there) promised that I would achieve “harder, longer erections” and that I would enjoy “15 minutes of powerful vibration” for my partner and me. I even positioned “the vibe on top of the penis for clitoral stimulation!”(There really was an exclamation point at the end of this sentence on the packaging).

The fucking thing was a dud…nada, nothing, no vibration. I’m sitting here with what looks like a Rainbow Brite necklace on my dick and fucking nothing. My dong looks like a candy raver. I have a fluorescently colored rum-barrel hanging from the collar of a miniature St. Bernard rescue dog. Like my cock is on a mission to save the life of a vagina stranded in the Swiss Alps.

Add this to the list of humiliating romantic mishaps I’ve achieved.

OK, I’m done.

Wave of Mutilation

This is what happens to my apartment when Golden Browne leaves for a week...





It looks like a group of very fashionable boys exploded in my living room...



That's AM, motherfucker...No sleep 'till Brooklyn...





Will someone show me how to work this fucking dishwasher?

quote of the day

our quote of the day comes from the fairy tailishly named, Tasi Rippel



"He looks like he smells like an old fridge."

I dont know what I LOOK like i smell like but I hope it's Drakkar and strawberries.

On Deck: Marnie Stern drops today

So, marnie Stern dropped her new record, "This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That" on Kill Rock Stars, today. which is the raddest album name ever, BTW!

If you're not familiar with Marnie's jams, she sounds like Yoko Ono fucked the band, Yes. Yes's amalgamated sperm created a baby, that baby raped Upsilon Acrux in the alley of The Smell and, voila, Marnie was born.

Of course, I neglected to pre-order this biatch so I can't actually review the new record. I mean, I'll get back to you, but unless she did a collab with the drummer of The Bravery, I'm pretty sure I will fucking love it.

ok, now let this bitch melt your face, real quick



uno mas...



thank you and good night.

Gnawing on the knowledge that I have been burned

STILL learning things that I should have already learned. STILL scribbling down stupid shit. STILL can't even remember if we were lovers, or if I just wanted to...


I'm starting to think Maxim Magazine is a rag for undercover gays, dudes painting their face, an ambiguous haze...I'd rather pace in place...a pathetic junkie on his way into space....I'm WAY into space....that's why I see galaxies when i stare at your face....Speckled constellations compete for recognition there in your eyes (originally written 03/12/04)