An open letter to the guy who pulled that funny looking knife on me at Barrigan's

Dear guy who pulled a knife on me in the parking lot at Barrigan’s,

Why did you do that? Do you have that much hatred toward Gingers? You yourself are a bit of an ethnic outcast, as you appeared to be half black and looked a lot like a younger College-ier (if that’s possible) version of that that guy from Hootie and The Blowfish. I would expect you to have some respect for people’s differences.

And what’s with the crazy looking hammer-knife? Are you some kind of a fucking miner? Maybe you like to recreate Civil War battles?

Were you really going to kill me in the parking lot of Barrigan’s restaurant on a Wednesday night? What an embarrassing, hipster way to die. That would be like losing a leg because you got the leather lace of your Topsiders stuck in the crank of your fixie, or drowning at a Swim with the Sharks pool party…tre disrespectful to my mom.

In any event, you’re super-duper bitch-made and when I see you I’m going to violently rape you in front of everyone at Barrigan’s. I am going to beat you beyond resistance in front of the female Barrigan’s customers with the ironic 80’s eyeglass frames. I’m going to rip off your trousers in front on the 19 year old boys who dress like Led Zeppelin. I’m going to plunge my angry cock into your frightened rectum so deep that even the girls who haven’t figured out that thick, cotton-spandex leggings are no longer en vogue will feel it.

Oh, and I have your golf club.